Hey You Guys.

Hey strangers (winky face),

Can I complain for a second about how much I hate automatic flushing toilets? Jk I don't need your permission. I hate automatic flushing toilets. I have since I was a little girl. I specifically remember going on road trips with my family, stopping at rest stops in Ohio, and refusing to go pee. Because of automatic flushers. 

My mom would try to brace me by telling me when they were automatic, but I think it'd end up scaring me so much that I literally could not go. I mean, how the hell do they know when I'm done? I'LL tell YOU when I'm finished, alright? Don't just assume. I control you. And half the time I end up walking in on a toilet who clearly did not do its job. So they're pretty much entirely pointless.

I think I was terrified that they'd suck me in. I mean that's pretty much a kid's worst nightmare, right? Screw monsters and running out of Cheetos. Toilets. And they genuinely surprised me every time without fail. The loud noise scared me. And scarred me. Plus how gross is it for a rest stop bathroom toilet to splash toilet water all over your butt when you're least expecting it? I'll tell you how gross. Super gross.

As someone very dear to me so eloquently described, "They're like the interrupting cow joke come to life, but in your most private moment." Well said, love. 

Now, automatic soap dispensers/paper towels/faucets make more sense, even though they're extremely flawed as well. I'm too lazy to complain about those right now, and I won't lie and say I'll do it later. Cause I won't. 

K gotta go bye.

She's Just Being Miley

So I don't normally talk about anything besides myself on here (cause, I mean, what's more important and extremely interesting than me?), but this seemed like a good idea at the time (key words: at the time.).

Raise your hand if you were outraged by Miley's VMA performance. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when I first watched it. And so did Will Smith. Is anyone else confused as to what "twerking" is? Cause I'm not getting the picture from Miley. Cause she can't dance. And weighs like 100lbs. Another thing: how does one lean like a cholo?

In case you haven't seen it yet, this is what I'm referring to. I recommend you watch the two side-by-side, or else you'll just watch me making faces like someone just farted. For four minutes straight. And it's kinda boring, I won't lie to you.

Woooo happy Labor Day weekend go do fun things.

It Started With A Whisper

Hey folks,

I recently experienced the dumbest 24 hours of my life, and now you're going to relive them with me. Let me please remind you that I did, indeed, graduate magna cum laude with two degrees and high honors from a highly regarded liberal arts university. K let's go.

It all began on a Wednesday. I was leaving for vacation in two days, and I realized that I still hadn't paid my credit card bill. Which would be due when I was gone. So I grown-uped up and wrote the check, put a stamp on the envelope, and left it on the table so I could mail it the next day (to all of you scoffing at me for not paying my bills online: fuck you, I do what I want). Then I continued running around like a hamster trying to get my shit together for vacation. However, the next day, I of course forgot to mail the check. How could I forget when the envelope was sitting out on the table just staring at me, begging to be mailed!

OH I KNOW HOW. Cause I recycled it. By accident. I had a bunch of other junk mail in my hand, and I accidentally included my credit card bill when I made my deposit at the recycling bin. This is what I get for being kind to the environment. Apparently too kind, since I threw a couple hundred dollar check at it. You're welcome, Mother Nature. But don't worry you guys, I took care of it. I cancelled the check and called the credit union the next morning before I left for vacation. That same morning, I also misplaced my sunglasses in the dishwasher. What, you've never done that?

I know what you're thinking: whatever Jamie, so you recycled a check and put your sunglasses in the dishwasher. Big deal. Well here's the worst of it: as I was planning what time to get to the airport for my 11am flight that Friday, I somehow forgot that little detail where you're supposed to get to the airport an hour before your flight. Which I am very well aware of. Apparently my brain had some really bad gas that day, cause I looked at my watch as I was on the train, and it said 10:10am. I was still a good 45 minutes away from the airport, and my flight was leaving at 11. Shit. SHITSHITSHIT.

I had a few minutes of complete and silent panic, got off the train, caught a cab (which I shared with a very nice man from Texas, who paid for the whole ride), and got to the airport at 10:30. Gates close at 10:45. No lines at security (phew), but of course in my frenzy I forgot to empty my water bottle. I had to go back, dump it, and then go through security. Again. They probs thought I was some super good looking terrorist or something.

10:40, through security, I double-check my gate on the monitor, and what do I see? My flight is delayed two hours. And I could not have been happier.

I posted up at the gate from the twilight zone and read while observing the weirdest people/things ever. Just a sample: an entire boyscout troop (probably taking a break from filming Moonrise Kingdom), a Jewish woman complaining loudly on the phone about our flight being delayed (and talking about Miami), a woman with lime green hair (I'm assuming it was her natural color), a man meditating with some weird object balanced on his head, and a little white dog running through our gate with no apparent owner. The dog also pooped. In, like, three different spots.

So that's it I'm dumb.

Cooking Disasters: Brought to You By Jamie

Hullo.

I guess it's been just about a month since I've last posted (act as if you actually noticed), but you know, summer and life happened.

As I was munching on tortilla chips and cheddar cheese at 10:30am, I realized that not only do I need to go grocery shopping, but also that I've made some interesting cooking faux pas in my time here. But first I'd like to pat myself on the back for spelling "faux pas" correctly on my first attempt. Fucking French.

I'll start off with the worst of them all: that one time I accidentally added baking powder instead of corn starch to partially made turkey chili. My roommate and I were cooking Sunday dinner, and I was (wo)manning the pot. I grabbed a bunch of the ingredients we'd need from our poorly organized spice cabinet and set them out on the counter. Blah blah cooking stuff happened, and I added what I thought was corn starch to the ground turkey. Then it started to bubble. And I was like, hey. I don't think that happened last time. Why is there a large blob forming in this pot right now. OH I KNOW WHY cause I can't read and added baking powder. To our delicious turkey chili.

Now, not like I need to emphasize this, but Lauren and I are super bad ass and neither of us like to waste things. Especially things of the food variety. So we looked at each other and were like ok. Let's save this meat. We promptly got out a colander, poured in the Hiroshima turkey, and rinsed it off with water. I promise I'm not making this up. And you know what? It turned out delicious, no one died, and we saved a few bucks by not disposing of my cooking disaster. End.

I've also set off the smoke alarm because there was a bunch of spilled shit in one of our burners and it started smoking. I of course frantically ran around trying to figure out where the hell our smoke detector was, located it, and began jumping up and down waving a paper towel at it to clear the smoke. And it totally worked.

To add to that list, I once spilled about a quarter cup of vegetable oil in my preheated oven (that was a lovely smell), cut my finger three times while chopping things (and once on the blender), acquired several mild burns, dropped an entire brick of cheese on a not-so-clean kitchen floor (totally rinsed it off and used it), and nearly stabbed myself in the stomach while trying to cut a spaghetti squash in half. There are plenty more, but I don't want to strain myself too much trying to remember them all.

To top things off, here's a list of (edible) stuff in my fridge right now:

• 2 eggs
• 9 slices of American cheese
• about 1/2 inch of a brick of cheddar
• leftover pasta
• feta cheese
• ground turkey
• super old pickles

I shit you not.

So yeah, I think the last time I went to the store was 3-4 weeks ago. I guess I'll be living off cheese for another day or two. I'm gonna go HAM at Market Basket on Tuesday.

Is it too late to try to convince you that I'm a good cook? Cause I promise I am.

This Post Sucks.

You know what sucks? Besides lady bugs? I can't say "pop" out here. People giggle at me. And then I of course turn red cause I blush easier than... something/someone that blushes really easily. I actively have to pause and censor myself whenever I talk about SOOOODA. Soda. To be truthful, I didn't really realize that people have other words for it. Am I right, Chicago friends?

Have you guys seen this map? It's pretty damn entertaining. I was loling at it at work for an embarrassingly long time. It was 5:00 and I was over everything, so things just seemed extra funny, ok? Thanks to that map, my coworker so kindly pointed out that no one says "gym shoes." They're "sneakers." Is it just me, or does "sneakers" sound hella dorky? They're gym shoes. I mean where did the word sneakers come from anyway? You don't sneak around wearing them. There's nothing sneaky about them.

And if you ask me, the whole bags vs. cornhole debate should have made that map. I figured once I peaced out of Indy that I'd never hear it be called cornhole again. Unfortunately I was sorely mistaken. I've heard a few people call it cornhole on the East Coast. Don't people realize that cornhole means butt hole? Boom. Case closed.

I've also recently been made fun of for saying "washroom." Is that not a thing? I usually say bathroom, but I figured washroom sounded more polite for some reason. EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO SOUND NICE. 

Confession: I've been watching MTV's Awkward for like an hour. Don't judge me.

I'm Pretty Cool Sometimes.

Because I'm just that awesome, and because I have absolutely nothing else to write about, AND because I spent a good portion of my Saturday stalking myself on Twitter (yeah ACT like you've never done that.), I've decided to be extremely narcissistic and share with you my top ten favorite tweets. By me. But hey, of all the forms of narcissism, this will probably be the most entertaining possible. I GUESS I'll throw in my top ten favorite tweets from others too. Oh these are also in no particular order. I'm way too lazy to actually rank them. Enjoy.

Me--

• How I know I'm still not quite mature: I giggle when I see "Speed Hump Ahead" signs.
• My dad asked me what a beer bong is today.
• Just realized that me walking into a screen door this weekend was not, in fact, a dream.
• Somehow managed to get toothpaste in my eye.
• Afterthought: airport security smells like feet. This whole shoe-removal thing should be reconsidered.
• "Get your hand out of your pants for ONCE in your life." #thingspeoplesaytome
• Saw a hair salon downtown the other day called "Great Head." I think they may want to reconsider that one.
• My mom called my brother a son-of-a-bitch. #nuffsaid
• I think I just heard someone burp really loudly outside my window... or else there are bears in Somerville.
• If I eat a regular burrito for breakfast, does that make it a breakfast burrito? #ponderthat
• Well someone is definitely nailing something on my floor. Whether it's a person or an actual nail I may never know.
• Just bought some Triscuits; the bag was opened, but the box was sealed. This will be an interesting way to die.
• Things I've said today: "I didn't go to bed at 9, I took a nap. There's a big difference."
• I want to know who named their Wifi TheresAlwaysWifiInTheBananaStand and give them at LEAST an HJ.
• Why can't perfume commercials just be all like, "it smells good"?
• I just asked my mom in complete seriousness to pull up my pants for me.
• Sometimes, when I start to doze off at my desk, I hold my breath to try to stay awake. Counterproductive? Perhaps.
• Just discovered moldy cheese and screamed "OH NOOOO" so loud that my neighbors must think my dog died.
• I think my mom drunk texted me last night.
• Eating a bubble gum flavored jelly bean goes against all of my natural instincts.
• Things in Isabel's purse: bottle of water, umbrella. Things in Jamie's purse: flask, deodorant. #priorities 
• Do you ever yawn so big that you drool? Yeah totally, me neither.

Those other people--

Professor Snape
#PickupLineOfTheNight My name may not be Luna, but I know how to Lovegood.

Very Rude Tweets
My mind was blown when I realized that "Glee" spelt backwards is "Shit".

Very Rude Tweets
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

Dani DiV ‏
Snow day at school means I'm the head teacher, which means 200 Spanish kids just learned the Waka Waka dance. My work here is done.

Very Rude Tweets
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies. 

Shit Nobody Says ‏
Free beer? No thanks.

TextsFromLastNight ‏
(613): I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

Shit Nobody Says ‏
Gingers do have souls.

Mark McCarthy ‏
I guess Channing Tatum is hot, if muscles are your thing... please don't let muscles be your thing.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Workaholics Quotes
"Anders: What is that, it's not beer? Adam: No it's whiskey. I watered it down though.......with beer."

Zach Galifinakas ‏
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Cheese.

Shit Nobody Says
That was me who just farted.

Zach Galifinakas ‏
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

Anti Joke Apple ‏
taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat. Carry on.

Mark McCarthy ‏
That moment when you started a tweet with "that moment" and realized you had nothing of any value to offer the world.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have the same amount of money.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.

Zach Galifinakas ‏
you're a boob. just tittin. you're my breast friend.

After rereading this blog post I began to hate myself for basically recreating Twitter on my blog. So if I hate me, I'm sure the vast majority of you also hate me slash are severely disappointed by this post. DGAF. YOLO. Am I using YOLO right? Thought so. And for those of you who actually counted, there were way more than 10 tweets in both lists. I'm more awesome than I originally gave myself credit for.

I suppose I might as well use this opportunity as a shameless plug: follow me on twitter. If you dare. All of the cool kids are doing it. So basically there are only 62 cool kids in existence. Cause that's how many followers I have right now. (JMe_Kostecki) I also just had to look up my twitter handle cause I couldn't remember what it was. Whatever. That was a lot of very staccato sentences.

Stay sweet.

My Mom Thinks I Do Drugs

Sup nerds?

So did any of you see this on buzzfeed? Well I did. And I was dumb enough to think that my mom had any TRACE of a sense of humor. Despite her typical overreaction, I managed to get a few laughs in the process. Mostly because I felt really sneaky/tricky. For those of you who don't know me well enough, I'm the worst liar on earth. Which is a good thing? Question mark?

I figured I'd try it out on my bro bro first. I actually thought he'd freak out more than my mom. Wrong.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Jay: Thats pretty good for east coast weed
Jamie: Oh shit sorry, that wasn't for you
Jay: I'm telling
Jamie: Haha it was a joke, i saw it on buzzfeed where you text your mom that and post the reactions. Im getting mom next. Your reaction sucked btw
Jay: Was gonna say, jame thats not much weed
Jamie: I thought hard drugs go in grams and weed is oz?
Jay: Seems right. Well 2 grams of blow will make u some friends

Womp wommmmp. Not that great of a reaction. Possibly because I caved right away and said it was a joke. But that was because I was terrified of Jay telling on me. I mean, what if mom took away TV for a week or something? Or even worse, my BIKE. How else would I hang out with my friends?!

Next up: mother. That link doesn't really relate, but I just felt like it.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Mom: Oh yeah? Grams of what?
Jamie: Oh shit, wrong person
Mom: Right...
Mom: So why woulf u send that to me? To make me more paranoid?
Jamie: I didn't mean to send it to you
Mom: So grams of what? Didnt realize u smoked
Jamie: I don't smoke
Mom: Never mind, dont want to know
Jamie: Check your email
Mom: Nah, really dont want to know. Going to rf for spring fling. Have agood night.
Jamie: No you really need to check
Mom: At rf
Jamie: Hahahaha mom it was a joke. Check your email when you're back tonight and you'll get it. [I emailed her the link to the buzzfeed article so she'd get it and have a nice chuckle]

Mom's email: Didn't think that was funny or the right thing to do. Sorry, no sense of humor. Bad taste....

Notes:

• rf=River Forest Country Club. I bet she was so paranoid about her daughter being a potential drug dealer that she could barely enjoy her expensive wine and fillet mignon. Poor soul.
• I had recently told her about my stalker, so she was already in freakout mode. She texted me the day after I told her saying that I should look out my window at night to make sure he's not there. HAH. Please, mother. She also texts me every few days asking if I've seen him lately. And when I texted her after a date the other day she said, "well I'm glad you're still alive!" Last time I tell my mom anything ever. 

Other nuggets from this prank:

Jay: hey stupid, now mom is losing her fucking mind. shes googling which drugs cost that amount
Jamie: HAHAHHAHA tell her to check her fucking email!
Jay: haha nah im gonna let it play out. she went to river forest so im sure she'll talk to people about it there and get real worked up

Jamie: hahaha we're the worst children ever. she shouldn't even believe that i'd do drugs anyway!
Jay: jamie shes not smart

Jay: i ll drop drug phrases for the rest of the weekend, see what else she googles

That's fucking teamwork. Worst-children-of-the-year award. Happy mother's day!