My Mom Thinks I Do Drugs

Sup nerds?

So did any of you see this on buzzfeed? Well I did. And I was dumb enough to think that my mom had any TRACE of a sense of humor. Despite her typical overreaction, I managed to get a few laughs in the process. Mostly because I felt really sneaky/tricky. For those of you who don't know me well enough, I'm the worst liar on earth. Which is a good thing? Question mark?

I figured I'd try it out on my bro bro first. I actually thought he'd freak out more than my mom. Wrong.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Jay: Thats pretty good for east coast weed
Jamie: Oh shit sorry, that wasn't for you
Jay: I'm telling
Jamie: Haha it was a joke, i saw it on buzzfeed where you text your mom that and post the reactions. Im getting mom next. Your reaction sucked btw
Jay: Was gonna say, jame thats not much weed
Jamie: I thought hard drugs go in grams and weed is oz?
Jay: Seems right. Well 2 grams of blow will make u some friends

Womp wommmmp. Not that great of a reaction. Possibly because I caved right away and said it was a joke. But that was because I was terrified of Jay telling on me. I mean, what if mom took away TV for a week or something? Or even worse, my BIKE. How else would I hang out with my friends?!

Next up: mother. That link doesn't really relate, but I just felt like it.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Mom: Oh yeah? Grams of what?
Jamie: Oh shit, wrong person
Mom: Right...
Mom: So why woulf u send that to me? To make me more paranoid?
Jamie: I didn't mean to send it to you
Mom: So grams of what? Didnt realize u smoked
Jamie: I don't smoke
Mom: Never mind, dont want to know
Jamie: Check your email
Mom: Nah, really dont want to know. Going to rf for spring fling. Have agood night.
Jamie: No you really need to check
Mom: At rf
Jamie: Hahahaha mom it was a joke. Check your email when you're back tonight and you'll get it. [I emailed her the link to the buzzfeed article so she'd get it and have a nice chuckle]

Mom's email: Didn't think that was funny or the right thing to do. Sorry, no sense of humor. Bad taste....

Notes:

• rf=River Forest Country Club. I bet she was so paranoid about her daughter being a potential drug dealer that she could barely enjoy her expensive wine and fillet mignon. Poor soul.
• I had recently told her about my stalker, so she was already in freakout mode. She texted me the day after I told her saying that I should look out my window at night to make sure he's not there. HAH. Please, mother. She also texts me every few days asking if I've seen him lately. And when I texted her after a date the other day she said, "well I'm glad you're still alive!" Last time I tell my mom anything ever. 

Other nuggets from this prank:

Jay: hey stupid, now mom is losing her fucking mind. shes googling which drugs cost that amount
Jamie: HAHAHHAHA tell her to check her fucking email!
Jay: haha nah im gonna let it play out. she went to river forest so im sure she'll talk to people about it there and get real worked up

Jamie: hahaha we're the worst children ever. she shouldn't even believe that i'd do drugs anyway!
Jay: jamie shes not smart

Jay: i ll drop drug phrases for the rest of the weekend, see what else she googles

That's fucking teamwork. Worst-children-of-the-year award. Happy mother's day!

Midweek Update

Remember this guy? Anyone? I'm talking about dream boat #1 in this case. So I've had the great pleasure of interacting with this guy seven, SEVEN, times now. I've seen him 10+ times. At trivia, at the train, at a sandwich place by my apartment-- you name it. I've seen him there.

Today a line was crossed. Let me 'splain. I walked down the stairs to the green line to catch my train around 5:30. From what I've learned about Joe (we'll call him Joe), he tends to leave work right at 5:00. I kid you not, I've stayed later at work for the sole purpose of avoiding seeing him at the train. This city is way too small. Of course I end up spotting good ol' Joe, say "mother fucker" under my breath, immediately stop walking, and hide behind a concrete column. Unfortunately, Joe happened to be turning my way right as I saw him. I knew he spotted me. I took out my phone and pretended to be very interested in text messages I'd sent three days ago.

However, Joe does not pick up on social cues, so things such as reading a book or being on your phone do not discourage him. I felt him drawing nearer. I know what you're thinking. Fake a phone call, right? NOPE WON'T WORK. No service down in the T. And it's annoying as shit when people talk on the phone on the train, so I refuse to become one of those assholes.

I waited around for my train for about seven or eight minutes, felt him getting closer and closer, and decided to take my alternate route home instead of waiting for the same train that he was. This route requires me to walk one mile home instead of taking the bus, and it was raining today. That's how desperate I was to avoid this man. I'd rather walk a mile home in the rain than risk yet another awkward encounter with him.

So I hopped on the next train. HAHA! You'll never reach me now, Joe! You'll be stuck waiting for a Lechmere train for at least five more minutes! I WIN! Regretfully I did not win. He followed me on the train. FOLLOWED ME ON THE TRAIN. My heart was pounding. This dude is legit stalking me right now. I knew from previous conversations that he always takes the train to Lechmere and walks home from there. What. The. Fuck.

I, of course, pretended like I never saw him and avoided eye contact like it was my job. But I knew he was still there, probably reading my text message over my shoulder to Sarah which read, "Oh my god he fucking followed me on the train." I was hoping that he wouldn't get off at Park with me, but that's the easiest way to get back to the area where we live. Yes, we work AND live in the same general areas. Lucky me. I got off the train and walked to wait for the red line. I didn't see him get off the train behind me, so I was hoping I lost him. Wrong again.

He "casually" walked past me, acted shocked to see me, and said oh hey! He even said something about how his "supervisor made him stay late today," and that he was "sick of waiting for a Lechmere train." Yeah, ok, and I'm 6'6" and from China. Luckily once the train came, a few people got between us, so I didn't have to talk to him the rest of the ride home. He got off the stop before mine, and I did not say goodbye. Guess I'm staying till 6:00 every day now.

You know, I almost felt sorry for him when I saw him at the bar by himself, and at dinner by himself on a Friday night, but once he started following me home I lost all pity. If you have to follow people around to try to be friends with them, or whatever it is he's trying to do, it's a little bit creepy. I take full responsibility for all of my insensitive/bitchy comments. Haters gon' hate.

FYI since I posted twice this week I get a free pass for the next three. See you squares in May.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream last night that I had a baby. It was super easy and it only took like a minute. I had no recollection of the whole nine-month-pregnancy thing, and I had to think hard as to who actually had sex with me. Of course it turned out that I thought it happened when I was super drunk, and vaguely remembered having sex with a coworker (who I'm not a huge fan of, by the way). Needless to say, I dream-hated myself for it.

I brought the baby to work and just kind of left her in a cube. I'd visit her a couple of times a day. I'm a busy woman, ok? I don't have time to just dote on a baby all day long. Besides, other people were taking care of her too. Then I discovered that my boobs had milk in them. That was weird. Yeah, see I wish all of that weird giving birth pregnancy stuff were just a dream. It sure is messed up enough to be.

Anyway, I was trying to decide whether or not (and how) to tell my coworker that it was his baby. All the while, I was concentrating all of my thoughts on hoping that my child got all of my looks, because he's not much of a looker. And is super short. But he is rather smart, so I would have been ok if my daughter got all of his smart jeans (lol see what I did there? jeans... HAH). I ran into him on my way to the bathroom and I was like, heyyyy Donald (fake name used)... so you know that baby over there? It's yours. And mine. We made that thing. Then we went back to his cube to loudly discuss details of our sexual encounter in front of everyone. No shame.

After that, I had a super long meeting. When I was walking out with two other coworkers, we saw tons of buildings getting blown up/demolished. Then an airplane took a hairpin turn and hit another building, a giant cruise ship tipped over, and another plane just went straight into the water. Thank you, Tsarnaev brothers, for further fucking up my already fucked up dreams. You will rot in hell with Saddam forever. And he's gay, so have fun with that.

Boston Strong.

Things I Thought About While Laying In Bed Saturday Morning

Be prepared for none of this to make any sense. Partially because I'm not quite sure if I was 100% awake while forming these things I claim to be thoughts.

Do dogs have belly buttons? No... definitely not... so hold on, if they don't have belly buttons, then they don't have umbilical cords... how do they get their food from the momma dog then? I'm going to have to google this once I get up.

Why can't I sleep past 7am anymore? This is very frustrating. I remember in high school I'd sleep until 3pm. And I was sober too! And I'd be all like, man, waking up before 11am is ROUGH. Now I'm elated if I sleep past 8am. I'm old. People hate me when I say I'm old because they're all at least 25. Shit, I'd hate me too.

I should blog about these random things I'm thinking about. I'm going to forget them instantly, I know it. I'm way too lazy to get up and get my computer though. And I think I'm drifting in and out of sleep, so I don't want to ruin that either. Have you ever caught yourself slipping into a dream? You're thinking about something, mulling over the possibilities, and all of a sudden you're pregnant and you don't know how it happened. Then I'm like holy shit, I just observed myself slipping into a dream. Then again, this is coming from a girl who caught herself sleep walking. And who has recurring dreams that there are spiders in her bed. I'm never gonna get married.

I wonder if I could feasibly kill this crow that won't stop making noise. I used to find comfort in a crowing crow. Well that just sounds redundant. A crowing crow. Too bad they all died from West Nile. Except for this fucker outside my window. Maybe if I had a slingshot I could kill it. Or feed it Tylenol somehow. I learned in this book I'm reading that someone purposefully killed a "neighbor girl's" cat by feeding it Tylenol. That's kinda fucked up.

I should get out of bed and look at clothes online to prepare for my shopping trip. People don't do those things... I'm weird. Whatever, I haven't looked at any magazines lately, and there are like two people that dress well at work. Not much to go off of here. (At this point I think I very slightly lifted my head in an effort to get out of bed, decided nothing was worth getting up, and promptly and exaggeratingly (just made up a word, what up. oh man, inception parentheses.) put my head back down.)

I wonder if there's a most-comfortable-bed contest. Cause mine would definitely make it to the top 10 (hugs pillow closer).

I haven't had a good cry in a while... when was the last time I cried? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Good because apparently my life is tolerable enough to not make my eyes rain. Bad that I'm potentially numb to emotion. Plus, crying feels pretty fucking good sometimes. It's like all of the anxiety/stress just leaks out of your eyeballs.

I had a dream last night that one of our friends down the hall came over to keep some things in our fridge because they didn't have room. She unloaded a 12 pack of Coke, and stuck them on the outside of the refrigerator. They were magnetic. That would be pretty kick ass if Coke could do that. Coke magnets. Are you taking notes? This is some good shit right here. Except for the fact that they'd be too heavy to stay on a fridge. And they'd be warm.

Welp, see ya later.

Reasons Why I Dislike Revolving Doors

Can I start this by saying how hungover I am right now? Really hungover. Like, a lot. That's what happens when you try to drink two nights in a row after graduating college. And Butler's loss to Marquette last night was absolutely devastating, so naturally I drank my feelings.

But anyway, I guess it's time to discuss revolving doors. I'm not a huge fan of those. I get that they're probably better at keeping the inside temperature consistent and all, but I think they're a pain in the ass. They take forever. I really don't want to put that much time and effort into entering/exiting a building. Then the normal doors right next to the revolving ones always say "Please use revolving doors." And I mean, they said please... so I feel the need to listen to them. (Shout out to Isabel, who is a huge rebel and always uses the normal doors. Like a boss.)

And what about when a stranger accidentally (or purposefully?) goes into the little pie slice with you? Way awkward. What do you even call those things anyway? Compartments? Sections? Quarters? I don't know, SHIT.

I also hate it when the door is turned so that two of the spaces are open. Which one do I choose? What if someone starts coming from the other side and smushes me?! It's a legitimate concern. It's almost happened to me. Then when you do see someone coming from the other side you have to run a little to make it in before you get owned by the door, and that's just dramatic. 

The one awesome thing is when someone else is either in front or behind you, and then you don't have to do any of the pushing at all. I'm probably close to the worst person to share a revolving door with. Don't care.

Going back to the hangover thing, I legit had to stop writing this post because thinking that hard and being that productive was making me want to vomit. I also have not left my apartment today, I never put in my contacts, and I'm not wearing a bra. No need to tell me how awesome I am, I already know.

Met A Guy Named Chip Last Night

So I guess I drank a lot last night. Enough for my roommate to force me to take out my contacts, to remind me to take off my pants (like I ever need a reminder for that, PSH), to pee outside, to not close my blinds, and to sleep in my bra. Oh, and to eat a grilled cheese at 10am. Which means I was proooobably still drunk when I woke up. DGAF YOLO SOCKS.

How did this happen, you ask? Well, do I have a story for you (it's not that exciting, don't get your hopes up). It all started in Fenway. And ended in Fenway, actually. We probably should have bar hopped a bit. Anyway, we went to a sports bar in Fenway to watch Butler beat Xavier (WOOT), and discovered a man at the bar cheering for Butler. There were about five different games on the TVs, so we waited till we heard three 'woos' till we went up and talked to him. Just to be safe.

Turns out our new friend was betting on Butler to win. Good decision. Obviously we befriended him and his two balding friends, and they proceeded to buy us drinks all night. I think I had three large beers (24oz-ish), a whiskey coke, and a shot of Patron... as well as two large beers prior to that. Needless to say their bar tab was enomous.

Side thought: sometimes I get a strong urge to push a button. So I push the shift key since it doesn't do anything anyway. Pushing buttons is fun, don't judge.

One of our new buddies went by the name 'Chip,' and all I could think of was this guy. And I may or may not have told him that. Not sure. Anyway, as the night went on, Chip got rather handsy. He kept fucking touching me, and I was all like, dude, lay off. He was perfectly normal/polite for the first hour or so, but then he was apparently a bit over-served. And I heard him talking to Lauren about my butt. Not ok. For some reason I agreed to exchanging numbers (I'm not very good at saying no/denying people), so hopefully he's too embarrassed to ever contact me. Fingers crossed.

Then closing time happened yadda yadda we caught a cab home and I promptly died. This wasn't a good story, I'm sorry. Got too lazy to go into details that no one will care about. Commence lazy Sunday in Ninja Turltle underpants.

P.S. Totally just did 15 pushups, waddup.

If You Do This, I Hate You

Hey party people,

I know it's been a while (as if anyone noticed), but I've had nothing to write about. Sorry I'm not. I think it's about time for another hateful rant, don't you? I've been noticing that there are a lot of people who piss me off. Some individuals simply don't understand how to behave appropriately in public, and it gets on my nerves. I'm sure you're wondering what you should (or shouldn't) do in order to avoid being one of those people that I'd like to punch in the nuts, so I was thoughtful enough to compile a list (shocker) of people who get on my nerves. You're welcome.

1. People who read a book while walking. It's pretty much the pedestrian version of texting and driving. They end up walking at a snail's pace, and they never move out of the way when you're walking straight at them. No book is that good that you just HAVE to read it at every waking second. Be a normal person and read while sitting down. Or, like, talk to people.
2. People who sneeze rapid-fire like seven times in a row. Stop fucking sneezing so much and breathe. There are only so many blessing that I can give out, and you used them all up about five sneezes ago.
3. People who talk on the phone on the bus/train. It's called privacy, ever heard of it? I don't want to hear your conversation, and you shouldn't want me to hear it either. Cause I'm totally judging you.
4. On another public transportation-related note: when you're getting off the train/bus and the person sitting next to you won't stand up to let you off. Is it really that hard? Now I'm just going to rub my butt in your face and that's just awkward for both of us.
5. I also hate people who blast music from speakers on the bus/train. I don't want to hear your gangster rap, nor your Mexican folk music. This is not a party. This is a train.
6. People who don't move out of the way when you're running towards them. I'm putting in the effort to exercise here; the least you can do is move your ass two steps to the side. Share the sidewalk, people.
7. People in groups of two or three who somehow manage to take up a 20 foot hallway. How? Seriously, how?
8. People who fart on the bus/train or at the gym. There are enough people coughing and sneezing all over the place, do you really have to add to that with your gas? I swear I'll throw up one day in the not-so-distant future. Hold it in. For everyone's sake.
9. So basically, I hate people. I apologize for not being apologetic.

That's all, folks.