Sunday, May 26, 2013

I'm Pretty Cool Sometimes.

Because I'm just that awesome, and because I have absolutely nothing else to write about, AND because I spent a good portion of my Saturday stalking myself on Twitter (yeah ACT like you've never done that.), I've decided to be extremely narcissistic and share with you my top ten favorite tweets. By me. But hey, of all the forms of narcissism, this will probably be the most entertaining possible. I GUESS I'll throw in my top ten favorite tweets from others too. Oh these are also in no particular order. I'm way too lazy to actually rank them. Enjoy.

Me--
  • How I know I'm still not quite mature: I giggle when I see "Speed Hump Ahead" signs.
  • My dad asked me what a beer bong is today.
  • Just realized that me walking into a screen door this weekend was not, in fact, a dream.
  • Somehow managed to get toothpaste in my eye.
  • Afterthought: airport security smells like feet. This whole shoe-removal thing should be reconsidered.
  • "Get your hand out of your pants for ONCE in your life." #thingspeoplesaytome
  • Saw a hair salon downtown the other day called "Great Head." I think they may want to reconsider that one.
  • My mom called my brother a son-of-a-bitch. #nuffsaid
  • I think I just heard someone burp really loudly outside my window... or else there are bears in Somerville.
  • If I eat a regular burrito for breakfast, does that make it a breakfast burrito? #ponderthat
  • Well someone is definitely nailing something on my floor. Whether it's a person or an actual nail I may never know.
  • Just bought some Triscuits; the bag was opened, but the box was sealed. This will be an interesting way to die.
  • Things I've said today: "I didn't go to bed at 9, I took a nap. There's a big difference."
  • I want to know who named their Wifi TheresAlwaysWifiInTheBananaStand and give them at LEAST an HJ.
  • Why can't perfume commercials just be all like, "it smells good"?
  • I just asked my mom in complete seriousness to pull up my pants for me.
  • Sometimes, when I start to doze off at my desk, I hold my breath to try to stay awake. Counterproductive? Perhaps.
  • Just discovered moldy cheese and screamed "OH NOOOO" so loud that my neighbors must think my dog died.
  • I think my mom drunk texted me last night.
  • Eating a bubble gum flavored jelly bean goes against all of my natural instincts.
  • Things in Isabel's purse: bottle of water, umbrella. Things in Jamie's purse: flask, deodorant. #priorities 
  • Do you ever yawn so big that you drool? Yeah totally, me neither.

Those other people--

Professor Snape
#PickupLineOfTheNight My name may not be Luna, but I know how to Lovegood.

Very Rude Tweets
My mind was blown when I realized that "Glee" spelt backwards is "Shit".

Very Rude Tweets
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

Dani DiV
Snow day at school means I'm the head teacher, which means 200 Spanish kids just learned the Waka Waka dance. My work here is done.

Very Rude Tweets
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies. 

Shit Nobody Says
Free beer? No thanks.

TextsFromLastNight
(613): I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

Shit Nobody Says
Gingers do have souls.

Mark McCarthy
I guess Channing Tatum is hot, if muscles are your thing... please don't let muscles be your thing.

Anti Joke Apple
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Workaholics Quotes
"Anders: What is that, it's not beer? Adam: No it's whiskey. I watered it down though.......with beer."

Zach Galifinakas
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

Anti Joke Apple
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Cheese.

Shit Nobody Says
That was me who just farted.

Zach Galifinakas
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

Anti Joke Apple
taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat. Carry on.

Mark McCarthy
That moment when you started a tweet with "that moment" and realized you had nothing of any value to offer the world.

Anti Joke Apple
If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have the same amount of money.

Anti Joke Apple
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.

Zach Galifinakas
you're a boob. just tittin. you're my breast friend.


After rereading this blog post I began to hate myself for basically recreating Twitter on my blog. So if I hate me, I'm sure the vast majority of you also hate me slash are severely disappointed by this post. DGAF. YOLO. Am I using YOLO right? Thought so. And for those of you who actually counted, there were way more than 10 tweets in both lists. I'm more awesome than I originally gave myself credit for.

I suppose I might as well use this opportunity as a shameless plug: follow me on twitter. If you dare. All of the cool kids are doing it. So basically there are only 62 cool kids in existence. Cause that's how many followers I have right now. (JMe_Kostecki) I also just had to look up my twitter handle cause I couldn't remember what it was. Whatever. That was a lot of very staccato sentences.

Stay sweet.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

My Mom Thinks I Do Drugs

Sup nerds?

So did any of you see this on buzzfeed? Well I did. And I was dumb enough to think that my mom had any TRACE of a sense of humor. Despite her typical overreaction, I managed to get a few laughs in the process. Mostly because I felt really sneaky/tricky. For those of you who don't know me well enough, I'm the worst liar on earth. Which is a good thing? Question mark?

I figured I'd try it out on my bro bro first. I actually thought he'd freak out more than my mom. Wrong.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Jay: Thats pretty good for east coast weed
Jamie: Oh shit sorry, that wasn't for you
Jay: I'm telling
Jamie: Haha it was a joke, i saw it on buzzfeed where you text your mom that and post the reactions. Im getting mom next. Your reaction sucked btw
Jay: Was gonna say, jame thats not much weed
Jamie: I thought hard drugs go in grams and weed is oz?
Jay: Seems right. Well 2 grams of blow will make u some friends

Womp wommmmp. Not that great of a reaction. Possibly because I caved right away and said it was a joke. But that was because I was terrified of Jay telling on me. I mean, what if mom took away TV for a week or something? Or even worse, my BIKE. How else would I hang out with my friends?!

Next up: mother. That link doesn't really relate, but I just felt like it.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Mom: Oh yeah? Grams of what?
Jamie: Oh shit, wrong person
Mom: Right...
Mom: So why woulf u send that to me? To make me more paranoid?
Jamie: I didn't mean to send it to you
Mom: So grams of what? Didnt realize u smoked
Jamie: I don't smoke
Mom: Never mind, dont want to know
Jamie: Check your email
Mom: Nah, really dont want to know. Going to rf for spring fling. Have agood night.
Jamie: No you really need to check
Mom: At rf
Jamie: Hahahaha mom it was a joke. Check your email when you're back tonight and you'll get it. [I emailed her the link to the buzzfeed article so she'd get it and have a nice chuckle]

Mom's email: Didn't think that was funny or the right thing to do. Sorry, no sense of humor. Bad taste....

Notes:
  • rf=River Forest Country Club. I bet she was so paranoid about her daughter being a potential drug dealer that she could barely enjoy her expensive wine and fillet mignon. Poor soul.
  • I had recently told her about my stalker, so she was already in freakout mode. She texted me the day after I told her saying that I should look out my window at night to make sure he's not there. HAH. Please, mother. She also texts me every few days asking if I've seen him lately. And when I texted her after a date the other day she said, "well I'm glad you're still alive!" Last time I tell my mom anything ever. 
Other nuggets from this prank:

Jay: hey stupid, now mom is losing her fucking mind. shes googling which drugs cost that amount
Jamie: HAHAHHAHA tell her to check her fucking email!
Jay: haha nah im gonna let it play out. she went to river forest so im sure she'll talk to people about it there and get real worked up
Jamie: hahaha we're the worst children ever. she shouldn't even believe that i'd do drugs anyway!
Jay: jamie shes not smart
Jay: i ll drop drug phrases for the rest of the weekend, see what else she googles

That's fucking teamwork. Worst-children-of-the-year award. Happy mother's day!