Me--
- How I know I'm still not quite mature: I giggle when I see "Speed Hump Ahead" signs.
- My dad asked me what a beer bong is today.
- Just realized that me walking into a screen door this weekend was not, in fact, a dream.
- Somehow managed to get toothpaste in my eye.
- Afterthought: airport security smells like feet. This whole shoe-removal thing should be reconsidered.
- "Get your hand out of your pants for ONCE in your life."
#thingspeoplesaytome - Saw a hair salon downtown the other day called "Great Head." I think they may want to reconsider that one.
- My mom called my brother a son-of-a-bitch.
#nuffsaid - I think I just heard someone burp really loudly outside my window... or else there are bears in Somerville.
- If I eat a regular burrito for breakfast, does that make it a breakfast burrito?
#ponderthat - Well someone is definitely nailing something on my floor. Whether it's a person or an actual nail I may never know.
- Just bought some Triscuits; the bag was opened, but the box was sealed. This will be an interesting way to die.
- Things I've said today: "I didn't go to bed at 9, I took a nap. There's a big difference."
- I want to know who named their Wifi TheresAlwaysWifiInTheBananaStand and give them at LEAST an HJ.
- Why can't perfume commercials just be all like, "it smells good"?
- I just asked my mom in complete seriousness to pull up my pants for me.
- Sometimes, when I start to doze off at my desk, I hold my breath to try to stay awake. Counterproductive? Perhaps.
- Just discovered moldy cheese and screamed "OH NOOOO" so loud that my neighbors must think my dog died.
- I think my mom drunk texted me last night.
- Eating a bubble gum flavored jelly bean goes against all of my natural instincts.
- Things in Isabel's purse: bottle of water, umbrella. Things in Jamie's purse: flask, deodorant.
#priorities - Do you ever yawn so big that you drool? Yeah totally, me neither.
Those other people--
Professor Snape
Very Rude Tweets
My mind was blown when I realized that "Glee" spelt backwards is "Shit".
Very Rude Tweets
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"
Dani DiV
Snow day at school means I'm the head teacher, which means 200 Spanish kids just learned the Waka Waka dance. My work here is done.
Very Rude Tweets
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies.
Shit Nobody Says
Free beer? No thanks.
TextsFromLastNight
(613): I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Shit Nobody Says
Gingers do have souls.
Mark McCarthy
I guess Channing Tatum is hot, if muscles are your thing... please don't let muscles be your thing.
Anti Joke Apple
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Workaholics Quotes
"Anders: What is that, it's not beer? Adam: No it's whiskey. I watered it down though.......with beer."
Zach Galifinakas
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.
Anti Joke Apple
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Cheese.
Shit Nobody Says
That was me who just farted.
Zach Galifinakas
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
Anti Joke Apple
taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat. Carry on.
Mark McCarthy
That moment when you started a tweet with "that moment" and realized you had nothing of any value to offer the world.
Anti Joke Apple
If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have the same amount of money.
Anti Joke Apple
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.
Zach Galifinakas
you're a boob. just tittin. you're my breast friend.
After rereading this blog post I began to hate myself for basically recreating Twitter on my blog. So if I hate me, I'm sure the vast majority of you also hate me slash are severely disappointed by this post. DGAF. YOLO. Am I using YOLO right? Thought so. And for those of you who actually counted, there were way more than 10 tweets in both lists. I'm more awesome than I originally gave myself credit for.
Stay sweet.
