It Started With A Whisper

Hey folks,

I recently experienced the dumbest 24 hours of my life, and now you're going to relive them with me. Let me please remind you that I did, indeed, graduate magna cum laude with two degrees and high honors from a highly regarded liberal arts university. K let's go.

It all began on a Wednesday. I was leaving for vacation in two days, and I realized that I still hadn't paid my credit card bill. Which would be due when I was gone. So I grown-uped up and wrote the check, put a stamp on the envelope, and left it on the table so I could mail it the next day (to all of you scoffing at me for not paying my bills online: fuck you, I do what I want). Then I continued running around like a hamster trying to get my shit together for vacation. However, the next day, I of course forgot to mail the check. How could I forget when the envelope was sitting out on the table just staring at me, begging to be mailed!

OH I KNOW HOW. Cause I recycled it. By accident. I had a bunch of other junk mail in my hand, and I accidentally included my credit card bill when I made my deposit at the recycling bin. This is what I get for being kind to the environment. Apparently too kind, since I threw a couple hundred dollar check at it. You're welcome, Mother Nature. But don't worry you guys, I took care of it. I cancelled the check and called the credit union the next morning before I left for vacation. That same morning, I also misplaced my sunglasses in the dishwasher. What, you've never done that?

I know what you're thinking: whatever Jamie, so you recycled a check and put your sunglasses in the dishwasher. Big deal. Well here's the worst of it: as I was planning what time to get to the airport for my 11am flight that Friday, I somehow forgot that little detail where you're supposed to get to the airport an hour before your flight. Which I am very well aware of. Apparently my brain had some really bad gas that day, cause I looked at my watch as I was on the train, and it said 10:10am. I was still a good 45 minutes away from the airport, and my flight was leaving at 11. Shit. SHITSHITSHIT.

I had a few minutes of complete and silent panic, got off the train, caught a cab (which I shared with a very nice man from Texas, who paid for the whole ride), and got to the airport at 10:30. Gates close at 10:45. No lines at security (phew), but of course in my frenzy I forgot to empty my water bottle. I had to go back, dump it, and then go through security. Again. They probs thought I was some super good looking terrorist or something.

10:40, through security, I double-check my gate on the monitor, and what do I see? My flight is delayed two hours. And I could not have been happier.

I posted up at the gate from the twilight zone and read while observing the weirdest people/things ever. Just a sample: an entire boyscout troop (probably taking a break from filming Moonrise Kingdom), a Jewish woman complaining loudly on the phone about our flight being delayed (and talking about Miami), a woman with lime green hair (I'm assuming it was her natural color), a man meditating with some weird object balanced on his head, and a little white dog running through our gate with no apparent owner. The dog also pooped. In, like, three different spots.

So that's it I'm dumb.