Cooking Disasters: Brought to You By Jamie

Hullo.

I guess it's been just about a month since I've last posted (act as if you actually noticed), but you know, summer and life happened.

As I was munching on tortilla chips and cheddar cheese at 10:30am, I realized that not only do I need to go grocery shopping, but also that I've made some interesting cooking faux pas in my time here. But first I'd like to pat myself on the back for spelling "faux pas" correctly on my first attempt. Fucking French.

I'll start off with the worst of them all: that one time I accidentally added baking powder instead of corn starch to partially made turkey chili. My roommate and I were cooking Sunday dinner, and I was (wo)manning the pot. I grabbed a bunch of the ingredients we'd need from our poorly organized spice cabinet and set them out on the counter. Blah blah cooking stuff happened, and I added what I thought was corn starch to the ground turkey. Then it started to bubble. And I was like, hey. I don't think that happened last time. Why is there a large blob forming in this pot right now. OH I KNOW WHY cause I can't read and added baking powder. To our delicious turkey chili.

Now, not like I need to emphasize this, but Lauren and I are super bad ass and neither of us like to waste things. Especially things of the food variety. So we looked at each other and were like ok. Let's save this meat. We promptly got out a colander, poured in the Hiroshima turkey, and rinsed it off with water. I promise I'm not making this up. And you know what? It turned out delicious, no one died, and we saved a few bucks by not disposing of my cooking disaster. End.

I've also set off the smoke alarm because there was a bunch of spilled shit in one of our burners and it started smoking. I of course frantically ran around trying to figure out where the hell our smoke detector was, located it, and began jumping up and down waving a paper towel at it to clear the smoke. And it totally worked.

To add to that list, I once spilled about a quarter cup of vegetable oil in my preheated oven (that was a lovely smell), cut my finger three times while chopping things (and once on the blender), acquired several mild burns, dropped an entire brick of cheese on a not-so-clean kitchen floor (totally rinsed it off and used it), and nearly stabbed myself in the stomach while trying to cut a spaghetti squash in half. There are plenty more, but I don't want to strain myself too much trying to remember them all.

To top things off, here's a list of (edible) stuff in my fridge right now:

• 2 eggs
• 9 slices of American cheese
• about 1/2 inch of a brick of cheddar
• leftover pasta
• feta cheese
• ground turkey
• super old pickles

I shit you not.

So yeah, I think the last time I went to the store was 3-4 weeks ago. I guess I'll be living off cheese for another day or two. I'm gonna go HAM at Market Basket on Tuesday.

Is it too late to try to convince you that I'm a good cook? Cause I promise I am.

This Post Sucks.

You know what sucks? Besides lady bugs? I can't say "pop" out here. People giggle at me. And then I of course turn red cause I blush easier than... something/someone that blushes really easily. I actively have to pause and censor myself whenever I talk about SOOOODA. Soda. To be truthful, I didn't really realize that people have other words for it. Am I right, Chicago friends?

Have you guys seen this map? It's pretty damn entertaining. I was loling at it at work for an embarrassingly long time. It was 5:00 and I was over everything, so things just seemed extra funny, ok? Thanks to that map, my coworker so kindly pointed out that no one says "gym shoes." They're "sneakers." Is it just me, or does "sneakers" sound hella dorky? They're gym shoes. I mean where did the word sneakers come from anyway? You don't sneak around wearing them. There's nothing sneaky about them.

And if you ask me, the whole bags vs. cornhole debate should have made that map. I figured once I peaced out of Indy that I'd never hear it be called cornhole again. Unfortunately I was sorely mistaken. I've heard a few people call it cornhole on the East Coast. Don't people realize that cornhole means butt hole? Boom. Case closed.

I've also recently been made fun of for saying "washroom." Is that not a thing? I usually say bathroom, but I figured washroom sounded more polite for some reason. EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO SOUND NICE. 

Confession: I've been watching MTV's Awkward for like an hour. Don't judge me.

I'm Pretty Cool Sometimes.

Because I'm just that awesome, and because I have absolutely nothing else to write about, AND because I spent a good portion of my Saturday stalking myself on Twitter (yeah ACT like you've never done that.), I've decided to be extremely narcissistic and share with you my top ten favorite tweets. By me. But hey, of all the forms of narcissism, this will probably be the most entertaining possible. I GUESS I'll throw in my top ten favorite tweets from others too. Oh these are also in no particular order. I'm way too lazy to actually rank them. Enjoy.

Me--

• How I know I'm still not quite mature: I giggle when I see "Speed Hump Ahead" signs.
• My dad asked me what a beer bong is today.
• Just realized that me walking into a screen door this weekend was not, in fact, a dream.
• Somehow managed to get toothpaste in my eye.
• Afterthought: airport security smells like feet. This whole shoe-removal thing should be reconsidered.
• "Get your hand out of your pants for ONCE in your life." #thingspeoplesaytome
• Saw a hair salon downtown the other day called "Great Head." I think they may want to reconsider that one.
• My mom called my brother a son-of-a-bitch. #nuffsaid
• I think I just heard someone burp really loudly outside my window... or else there are bears in Somerville.
• If I eat a regular burrito for breakfast, does that make it a breakfast burrito? #ponderthat
• Well someone is definitely nailing something on my floor. Whether it's a person or an actual nail I may never know.
• Just bought some Triscuits; the bag was opened, but the box was sealed. This will be an interesting way to die.
• Things I've said today: "I didn't go to bed at 9, I took a nap. There's a big difference."
• I want to know who named their Wifi TheresAlwaysWifiInTheBananaStand and give them at LEAST an HJ.
• Why can't perfume commercials just be all like, "it smells good"?
• I just asked my mom in complete seriousness to pull up my pants for me.
• Sometimes, when I start to doze off at my desk, I hold my breath to try to stay awake. Counterproductive? Perhaps.
• Just discovered moldy cheese and screamed "OH NOOOO" so loud that my neighbors must think my dog died.
• I think my mom drunk texted me last night.
• Eating a bubble gum flavored jelly bean goes against all of my natural instincts.
• Things in Isabel's purse: bottle of water, umbrella. Things in Jamie's purse: flask, deodorant. #priorities 
• Do you ever yawn so big that you drool? Yeah totally, me neither.

Those other people--

Professor Snape
#PickupLineOfTheNight My name may not be Luna, but I know how to Lovegood.

Very Rude Tweets
My mind was blown when I realized that "Glee" spelt backwards is "Shit".

Very Rude Tweets
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

Dani DiV ‏
Snow day at school means I'm the head teacher, which means 200 Spanish kids just learned the Waka Waka dance. My work here is done.

Very Rude Tweets
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies. 

Shit Nobody Says ‏
Free beer? No thanks.

TextsFromLastNight ‏
(613): I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

Shit Nobody Says ‏
Gingers do have souls.

Mark McCarthy ‏
I guess Channing Tatum is hot, if muscles are your thing... please don't let muscles be your thing.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Workaholics Quotes
"Anders: What is that, it's not beer? Adam: No it's whiskey. I watered it down though.......with beer."

Zach Galifinakas ‏
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Cheese.

Shit Nobody Says
That was me who just farted.

Zach Galifinakas ‏
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

Anti Joke Apple ‏
taco cat spelt backwards is taco cat. Carry on.

Mark McCarthy ‏
That moment when you started a tweet with "that moment" and realized you had nothing of any value to offer the world.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have the same amount of money.

Anti Joke Apple ‏
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.

Zach Galifinakas ‏
you're a boob. just tittin. you're my breast friend.

After rereading this blog post I began to hate myself for basically recreating Twitter on my blog. So if I hate me, I'm sure the vast majority of you also hate me slash are severely disappointed by this post. DGAF. YOLO. Am I using YOLO right? Thought so. And for those of you who actually counted, there were way more than 10 tweets in both lists. I'm more awesome than I originally gave myself credit for.

I suppose I might as well use this opportunity as a shameless plug: follow me on twitter. If you dare. All of the cool kids are doing it. So basically there are only 62 cool kids in existence. Cause that's how many followers I have right now. (JMe_Kostecki) I also just had to look up my twitter handle cause I couldn't remember what it was. Whatever. That was a lot of very staccato sentences.

Stay sweet.

My Mom Thinks I Do Drugs

Sup nerds?

So did any of you see this on buzzfeed? Well I did. And I was dumb enough to think that my mom had any TRACE of a sense of humor. Despite her typical overreaction, I managed to get a few laughs in the process. Mostly because I felt really sneaky/tricky. For those of you who don't know me well enough, I'm the worst liar on earth. Which is a good thing? Question mark?

I figured I'd try it out on my bro bro first. I actually thought he'd freak out more than my mom. Wrong.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Jay: Thats pretty good for east coast weed
Jamie: Oh shit sorry, that wasn't for you
Jay: I'm telling
Jamie: Haha it was a joke, i saw it on buzzfeed where you text your mom that and post the reactions. Im getting mom next. Your reaction sucked btw
Jay: Was gonna say, jame thats not much weed
Jamie: I thought hard drugs go in grams and weed is oz?
Jay: Seems right. Well 2 grams of blow will make u some friends

Womp wommmmp. Not that great of a reaction. Possibly because I caved right away and said it was a joke. But that was because I was terrified of Jay telling on me. I mean, what if mom took away TV for a week or something? Or even worse, my BIKE. How else would I hang out with my friends?!

Next up: mother. That link doesn't really relate, but I just felt like it.

Jamie: Got 2 grams for $40
Mom: Oh yeah? Grams of what?
Jamie: Oh shit, wrong person
Mom: Right...
Mom: So why woulf u send that to me? To make me more paranoid?
Jamie: I didn't mean to send it to you
Mom: So grams of what? Didnt realize u smoked
Jamie: I don't smoke
Mom: Never mind, dont want to know
Jamie: Check your email
Mom: Nah, really dont want to know. Going to rf for spring fling. Have agood night.
Jamie: No you really need to check
Mom: At rf
Jamie: Hahahaha mom it was a joke. Check your email when you're back tonight and you'll get it. [I emailed her the link to the buzzfeed article so she'd get it and have a nice chuckle]

Mom's email: Didn't think that was funny or the right thing to do. Sorry, no sense of humor. Bad taste....

Notes:

• rf=River Forest Country Club. I bet she was so paranoid about her daughter being a potential drug dealer that she could barely enjoy her expensive wine and fillet mignon. Poor soul.
• I had recently told her about my stalker, so she was already in freakout mode. She texted me the day after I told her saying that I should look out my window at night to make sure he's not there. HAH. Please, mother. She also texts me every few days asking if I've seen him lately. And when I texted her after a date the other day she said, "well I'm glad you're still alive!" Last time I tell my mom anything ever. 

Other nuggets from this prank:

Jay: hey stupid, now mom is losing her fucking mind. shes googling which drugs cost that amount
Jamie: HAHAHHAHA tell her to check her fucking email!
Jay: haha nah im gonna let it play out. she went to river forest so im sure she'll talk to people about it there and get real worked up

Jamie: hahaha we're the worst children ever. she shouldn't even believe that i'd do drugs anyway!
Jay: jamie shes not smart

Jay: i ll drop drug phrases for the rest of the weekend, see what else she googles

That's fucking teamwork. Worst-children-of-the-year award. Happy mother's day!

Midweek Update

Remember this guy? Anyone? I'm talking about dream boat #1 in this case. So I've had the great pleasure of interacting with this guy seven, SEVEN, times now. I've seen him 10+ times. At trivia, at the train, at a sandwich place by my apartment-- you name it. I've seen him there.

Today a line was crossed. Let me 'splain. I walked down the stairs to the green line to catch my train around 5:30. From what I've learned about Joe (we'll call him Joe), he tends to leave work right at 5:00. I kid you not, I've stayed later at work for the sole purpose of avoiding seeing him at the train. This city is way too small. Of course I end up spotting good ol' Joe, say "mother fucker" under my breath, immediately stop walking, and hide behind a concrete column. Unfortunately, Joe happened to be turning my way right as I saw him. I knew he spotted me. I took out my phone and pretended to be very interested in text messages I'd sent three days ago.

However, Joe does not pick up on social cues, so things such as reading a book or being on your phone do not discourage him. I felt him drawing nearer. I know what you're thinking. Fake a phone call, right? NOPE WON'T WORK. No service down in the T. And it's annoying as shit when people talk on the phone on the train, so I refuse to become one of those assholes.

I waited around for my train for about seven or eight minutes, felt him getting closer and closer, and decided to take my alternate route home instead of waiting for the same train that he was. This route requires me to walk one mile home instead of taking the bus, and it was raining today. That's how desperate I was to avoid this man. I'd rather walk a mile home in the rain than risk yet another awkward encounter with him.

So I hopped on the next train. HAHA! You'll never reach me now, Joe! You'll be stuck waiting for a Lechmere train for at least five more minutes! I WIN! Regretfully I did not win. He followed me on the train. FOLLOWED ME ON THE TRAIN. My heart was pounding. This dude is legit stalking me right now. I knew from previous conversations that he always takes the train to Lechmere and walks home from there. What. The. Fuck.

I, of course, pretended like I never saw him and avoided eye contact like it was my job. But I knew he was still there, probably reading my text message over my shoulder to Sarah which read, "Oh my god he fucking followed me on the train." I was hoping that he wouldn't get off at Park with me, but that's the easiest way to get back to the area where we live. Yes, we work AND live in the same general areas. Lucky me. I got off the train and walked to wait for the red line. I didn't see him get off the train behind me, so I was hoping I lost him. Wrong again.

He "casually" walked past me, acted shocked to see me, and said oh hey! He even said something about how his "supervisor made him stay late today," and that he was "sick of waiting for a Lechmere train." Yeah, ok, and I'm 6'6" and from China. Luckily once the train came, a few people got between us, so I didn't have to talk to him the rest of the ride home. He got off the stop before mine, and I did not say goodbye. Guess I'm staying till 6:00 every day now.

You know, I almost felt sorry for him when I saw him at the bar by himself, and at dinner by himself on a Friday night, but once he started following me home I lost all pity. If you have to follow people around to try to be friends with them, or whatever it is he's trying to do, it's a little bit creepy. I take full responsibility for all of my insensitive/bitchy comments. Haters gon' hate.

FYI since I posted twice this week I get a free pass for the next three. See you squares in May.

I Had A Dream

I had a dream last night that I had a baby. It was super easy and it only took like a minute. I had no recollection of the whole nine-month-pregnancy thing, and I had to think hard as to who actually had sex with me. Of course it turned out that I thought it happened when I was super drunk, and vaguely remembered having sex with a coworker (who I'm not a huge fan of, by the way). Needless to say, I dream-hated myself for it.

I brought the baby to work and just kind of left her in a cube. I'd visit her a couple of times a day. I'm a busy woman, ok? I don't have time to just dote on a baby all day long. Besides, other people were taking care of her too. Then I discovered that my boobs had milk in them. That was weird. Yeah, see I wish all of that weird giving birth pregnancy stuff were just a dream. It sure is messed up enough to be.

Anyway, I was trying to decide whether or not (and how) to tell my coworker that it was his baby. All the while, I was concentrating all of my thoughts on hoping that my child got all of my looks, because he's not much of a looker. And is super short. But he is rather smart, so I would have been ok if my daughter got all of his smart jeans (lol see what I did there? jeans... HAH). I ran into him on my way to the bathroom and I was like, heyyyy Donald (fake name used)... so you know that baby over there? It's yours. And mine. We made that thing. Then we went back to his cube to loudly discuss details of our sexual encounter in front of everyone. No shame.

After that, I had a super long meeting. When I was walking out with two other coworkers, we saw tons of buildings getting blown up/demolished. Then an airplane took a hairpin turn and hit another building, a giant cruise ship tipped over, and another plane just went straight into the water. Thank you, Tsarnaev brothers, for further fucking up my already fucked up dreams. You will rot in hell with Saddam forever. And he's gay, so have fun with that.

Boston Strong.

Things I Thought About While Laying In Bed Saturday Morning

Be prepared for none of this to make any sense. Partially because I'm not quite sure if I was 100% awake while forming these things I claim to be thoughts.

Do dogs have belly buttons? No... definitely not... so hold on, if they don't have belly buttons, then they don't have umbilical cords... how do they get their food from the momma dog then? I'm going to have to google this once I get up.

Why can't I sleep past 7am anymore? This is very frustrating. I remember in high school I'd sleep until 3pm. And I was sober too! And I'd be all like, man, waking up before 11am is ROUGH. Now I'm elated if I sleep past 8am. I'm old. People hate me when I say I'm old because they're all at least 25. Shit, I'd hate me too.

I should blog about these random things I'm thinking about. I'm going to forget them instantly, I know it. I'm way too lazy to get up and get my computer though. And I think I'm drifting in and out of sleep, so I don't want to ruin that either. Have you ever caught yourself slipping into a dream? You're thinking about something, mulling over the possibilities, and all of a sudden you're pregnant and you don't know how it happened. Then I'm like holy shit, I just observed myself slipping into a dream. Then again, this is coming from a girl who caught herself sleep walking. And who has recurring dreams that there are spiders in her bed. I'm never gonna get married.

I wonder if I could feasibly kill this crow that won't stop making noise. I used to find comfort in a crowing crow. Well that just sounds redundant. A crowing crow. Too bad they all died from West Nile. Except for this fucker outside my window. Maybe if I had a slingshot I could kill it. Or feed it Tylenol somehow. I learned in this book I'm reading that someone purposefully killed a "neighbor girl's" cat by feeding it Tylenol. That's kinda fucked up.

I should get out of bed and look at clothes online to prepare for my shopping trip. People don't do those things... I'm weird. Whatever, I haven't looked at any magazines lately, and there are like two people that dress well at work. Not much to go off of here. (At this point I think I very slightly lifted my head in an effort to get out of bed, decided nothing was worth getting up, and promptly and exaggeratingly (just made up a word, what up. oh man, inception parentheses.) put my head back down.)

I wonder if there's a most-comfortable-bed contest. Cause mine would definitely make it to the top 10 (hugs pillow closer).

I haven't had a good cry in a while... when was the last time I cried? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Good because apparently my life is tolerable enough to not make my eyes rain. Bad that I'm potentially numb to emotion. Plus, crying feels pretty fucking good sometimes. It's like all of the anxiety/stress just leaks out of your eyeballs.

I had a dream last night that one of our friends down the hall came over to keep some things in our fridge because they didn't have room. She unloaded a 12 pack of Coke, and stuck them on the outside of the refrigerator. They were magnetic. That would be pretty kick ass if Coke could do that. Coke magnets. Are you taking notes? This is some good shit right here. Except for the fact that they'd be too heavy to stay on a fridge. And they'd be warm.

Welp, see ya later.